Manosphere's Search for Meaning
When we are no longer able to change a situation, we turn to YouTube.
In late 2018, I was hanging out with some buddies around a firepit. All of us are Christians, some of us pastors, and our ages ranged from late 20s to early 30s. Most of us were married, a few with young kids and the rest single but looking for long term love. We were all heterosexual, college educated, relatively well read, and thoughtful. The conversation turned into a podcast episode that released a few weeks prior where Elon Musk smoked weed with Joe Rogan and we laughed at the absurdity of it.
The guy who shoots rockets into space and the guy from Fear Factor lighting up a blunt on one of the largest podcasts in the world? That is good comedy. At the time, I barely knew anything about Elon other than I wanted to buy a Tesla (Black Model X, please) and knew nothing about Joe Rogan. I never heard of his podcast and had no idea that within a few years, he would interview Donald Trump weeks before he became President for the second time.
Rogan now has the largest podcast in the world, averaging 11 million listeners monthly, eclipsing mainstream media by a massive margin. Elon Musk now works in the White House as a policy advisor as he heads Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) under Trump. Both are household names.
A lot can change in 6 years, expedited by a global pandemic where most of those guys around the firepit (self included) hunkered down in our apartments and befriended our iPhones - the endless stream of content and let it rewire our brain in ways that the conversation today would look radically different than it did in 2018. A lot of those guys have joined ‘the manosphere’
For those unfamiliar, The manosphere leverages male pain points in digital spaces (YouTube, Podcasts, Social Media) messaging to young men’s lived challenges. Many of those firepit guys voted for Trump in 2024 (a candidate they mocked in 2016), some have given up on the idea of finding love and most insidiously, some have become patriarchal and distanced themselves from anything deemed “feminine” you know, like being compassionate towards the vulnerable at the border.
Some may read this and say, “Wow, these guys have some awful influences in their lives and need to wise up” but here is what everyone is missing… Where are young men supposed to find embodied, flesh and blood male mentors to guide them in better ways of thinking?
I want to propose some counterintuitive insight that I have gained as I maintained friendship with the same guys I have grown to love, though I myself have some serious concerns about their ideologies and where they end up. I care deeply about this topic as for one, I am a man. I spent 15 years as a pastor in the Evangelical world which only ordained men, I teach at an IT boot camp for adults (my students are 95% men) and my business serves almost all men. I tracked the data on my readers so I know that if you’re reading this, you’re likely a man (and between 35-44).
What is the itch that the digital male influencer scratches for young men? I have listened to a number of Joe Rogan podcasts in my life. I have read Jordan Peterson’s books and saw him live in New York. I occasionally watch Matt Walsh and Ben Shapiro and Theo Von clips on YouTube. What all of their voices have in common (some with more degree than others) is curiosity and confrontation. For example, Joe Rogan is not a religious person but he invites religious scholars (Wesley Huff is a must listen) onto his show and is respectful, and open minded about Huff’s points. Rogan isn’t afraid to push back but does so elegantly and with grace, recognizing he’s out of his depth with Huff’s accolades and experience.
Takeaway: If you’re working, living or raising young men, are you curious about them, yet not afraid to confront them? One study shares that 2/3 of American men from 18-23 felt “no one really knows them” is it no wonder they turn to digital male mentors to help shape them? Curiosity is half the battle, with confrontation being the other half. Peterson’s basic message, “clean your room” is no different than advice your mom would give you, yet when I saw Peterson live in Midtown Manhattan, thousands of men under 40 (from Black men to Orthodox Jews) came to listen. Why? Because curiosity + confrontation = portal into a man’s world.
What are broader societal messages that men hear that are half truths, quasi-truths and lies and do you propagate them? Standup comedian Mark Normand has a joke that he was on a date with a woman and she told him that she likes a “strong silent type” The punchline was, can you imagine that? What if I was on a date with her and she asked what I was looking for in a woman and I said, “I like a woman who knows when to stop talking”? Though it’s a bit cheeky (and one of his more mild jokes), the premise remains: what societal messages do men hear that are simply untrue? Here’s some examples: you can’t ask for help, you are on your own here, no one cares about your problems, or my favorite, “What are you complaining about? Men have it made in this world.”
Takeaway: Observe messaging aimed at men, whether that be advertisements or talks around the dinner table. “Men should be tough” or “men don’t need help” or “men are more independent” Can we put to bed these are archaic stereotypes that we should find as appalling as those aimed towards women? By all measures, men (especially young men) are doing significantly worse socially than women: 4x more likely to commit suicide, 3x more likely to die of an OD, 14x more likely to be incarcerated, twice as likely to not be in a romantic relationship and are being outpaced by women entering the workforce and higher education. Is it any wonder they turn to digital male influences for comfort and validation when the world tells them they have it made, yet their worlds are falling apart?
In 2025, where do you men go for belonging, community and connection? If a woman goes out for coffee with a girlfriend and they spend 4 hours discussing their inner worlds, we call it self care. If a man does that, we think those are some weird dudes. Our society has made massive strides in equality, even though we have a ways to go but equality is not a zero sum game. Elevating the needs of women (which we need more of) does not need to come at the expense of men’s. So if a man wanted to spend time with other men in 2025, where would they go? The barber shop? In some communities, sure. The golf course? Who can afford that? The hunting cabin? Leave my wife at home with the kids for the weekend? Most millennial dads would never.
Takeaway: If you have men in your life, encourage them to spend time with other men. It can be joining a sports league, or a digital community around shared interest. The men in your life will be happier and healthier when they’re influenced by other men who know, like and respect them and if not, they will be pulled back into the Manosphere for the validation and support they long for.
What’s the solution? I think the solution for Manosphere’s search for meaning is that men simply need other men. Why was Good Will Hunting such a powerful movie for men? I believe it is because Will (Matt Damon) had what young men (and presumably all men) long for - a male mentor (Robin Williams) who cared about him and wasn’t afraid to show tough love and brotherhood of loyal friends with Chuckie, Morgan, and Billy. The film ends with Will facing his shadow, listening to the counsel of his mentor and peers and driving down the interstate pursuing the woman of his dreams.
Can a movie be any more masculine than that? Can a life be any more masculine than that?
Author’s Note: I asked on my Twitter account about this and received lots of feedback - via comments and DMs. One recurring theme that struck me: older men in the church just don’t have time / bandwidth / interest in investing in young men, particularly those who are not remarkable. I have seen this too, and have made it a point to always have a few younger guys that I am pouring into (and a few older guys too). As a ‘normal guy’ I know how much it sucks to feel ‘looked over’ and aim to limit that in my world.