You can't build trust without vulnerability

Loneliness may be because of pride.

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“Yeah, man… I’m going through a divorce.”

He said it like he’d been holding it in all week. He continued on with details. He shared how he tried to repair the relationship. He worried about their 4 kids. He was broken.

We had known each other for maybe eight minutes.

And now we’re sitting there, crossed-legged on the mat, breathing heavy, sweat everywhere, and he’s telling me about the unraveling of his marriage.

On paper, that shouldn’t happen. Strangers don’t talk like that. This is the sort of thing you tell your best friend, your parents, your pastor. Not a stranger.

But three minutes before that conversation, he had me in a rear naked choke, squeezing just enough that my vision started tunneling, my face turned red, and I was doing that embarrassing half-gargle thing until I finally tapped.

Moments of vulnerability can really speed things up.

That’s the strange, beautiful thing about doing hard things with another person.

Trust shows up fast.

Now compare that to people I’ve sat next to in church for years.

Good people that I like.

And if I’m honest, I have no idea what’s actually going on in their lives beyond surface-level updates.

That’s not on them. That’s on me too. I don’t like being vulnerable.

But it raises the question:

Why does trust form so quickly in some environments… and barely at all in others?

Trust is not built on time: it’s built on shared experience. A few weekends ago, I traveled halfway across the country to see my best friend from college. We shared a dorm and got in tons of innocent fun as we both tasted freedom for the first time as 18 year old freshmen. Those bonds have carried us through marriage, kids, career and life.

I always think about that scene Rocky III.

There’s that scene where Rocky Balboa and Apollo Creed are running on the beach, racing, pushing each other, and then they end up laughing and hugging in the water. Out of context, it’s a weird scene. In context, it makes perfect sense.

That moment isn’t built on conversations over lattes. It’s built on what they just went through together. That’s how trust works.

If you want to speed up trust in your life: here are three ways to do it that don’t require potentially passing out:

1. Do something hard together

You don’t need more time with people. You need more meaningful reps. Not forced icebreakers or awkward team-building exercises.

I’m talking about:

• Solving a real problem

• Shipping something that matters

• Having uncomfortable conversations

You can learn more about someone sitting in an airport waiting for a delayed flight than in six months of casual conversation.

Pressure reveals what small talk hides.

2. Go first

Most people are playing defense with vulnerability.

“I’ll open up when they do.”

If you want trust faster, you go first.

Not in a dramatic, attention-grabbing way.

“This is what’s going on with me.”
“This is what I’m trying to figure out.”
“This is where I’m not as strong as I thought I was.”

One of my favorite managers in my career was not a visionary or inspiring leader but was never afraid to ask for help or feedback from his team when he was stuck. As a result, he built the most high performing team I have ever served on.

3. Stop living in surface-level environments

A lot of people want deeper relationships but keep putting themselves in shallow rooms.

Same conversations. Same scripts. Same safe interactions.

“How are you?”
“Good, you?”
“Good.”

That’s not where trust grows.

Trust grows in moments that break the pattern.

A real question.
An extra ten minutes.
A conversation that goes one layer deeper than what’s comfortable.

You don’t need more relationships.

We all say we want deeper trust.

Easy way to practice this week, someone asks how you are, tell them how you are (really). Obviously be smart about who you do this with, but truly: don’t complain about surface level relationships when you’re surface level.

Trust isn’t complicated but it is costly and most people aren’t willing to pay for it.